You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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