Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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