I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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