Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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