I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
