Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
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