I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
