I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
