There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
