Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
