I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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