I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
