So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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