I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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