She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
