It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize
