Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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