Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
