She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
