Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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