Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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