I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
