smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Little spoons don't ask big questions
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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