Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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