I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
