just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
be right there i have to get my cape
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
