Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
