It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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