While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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