he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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