Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
