Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
