I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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