Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
