He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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