Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
