What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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