Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
