Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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