fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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