Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
