You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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