I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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