her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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