They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize