he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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