On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You are a genius and a whore.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
