I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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