At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Randomize
