My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
