i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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