I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize