got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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