I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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