Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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