did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
True college students do jello shots in the library
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
